Happy Birthday Little Sister

I guess being born the last girl, you sort of always have the "little sister" title. I am one of 4 children. There is JoAnn, my big sister, Alex, my brother that died before I was born, and then there is Angela, the littlest sister.

Today is her birthday. I guess I just feel reflective and want to write about her. Angie wasn't always the easiest to get along with, then again neither was I. I think it was because she was head strong and I was more passive. I never thought she was the most compassionate person in the world but, I am sure all siblings go through that at some time in their lives.
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She was the kind that would laugh when we were crying at some silly chick flick. When Angela was going through school to be a nurse, the compassion I thought she didn't have became prevalent. She told me about her first clinical and what she had to do and I was blown away by the strength she had. She knew going in that her very first patient was just hours away from passing away. The little lady probably wasn't aware that Angela was with her however, Angie talked to her as she took her blood pressure, and all the other vital signs. No family was present, nor was any on their way. She didn't want her patient to die alone so she sat down next to her bed, gently picked up her hand and held it and talked softly and calmly until she took her last breath.
I love that story. My little sister showed love, care, and concern in the quiet of that room when it was just her and her patient. She didn't do it for show, it's just a part of what makes her an incredible nurse.

She is amazing at what she does. She treats every one of her patients as if they were a family member. I can recall, that for the 2 years that she lived here in TN, how loving she was with her little old people. They loved her as much as she loved them.
She would make homemade bread or chicken and dumplings for patients. Many times her patient's family member's would come in after their loved one passed away, just to let her know how much it meant that she would go out of her way just to do something kind and do things that went beyond the average nursing duties.

All these years later, she still gets sad when one of her patients is put in Hospice, she cries when they die. The families still become attached to her. She is more than a nurse, she is their personal advocate. She stands for what is right, even when she is standing alone. She knows no fear. She has lost a mother, so her patients can see how much she cares, and their children can look at her and know that she really does know what it feels like.

When my mom left this world,she left me with 2 great sisters... Angela does it all...She is a full time, wife, mom, nurse, den leader etc...Every year she makes special costumes for her son and daughter to wear for plays, and halloween. She sews them special pajamas for Christmas eve so they can wake up in beautiful warm jammies on Christmas morning.

I won't ever move back to Florida, that I am sure of....I am good with that, I really am. I only wish we got to see each other more often...........Happy Birthday Little Sister, you are one of my Hero's

...And No One Believed This Would Last

How wrong they all were. I was too young. I never loved anyone else. I never experienced life.....Oh and the list goes on and on with reasons it wouldn't work out.

For all the cons of getting married as young as we did, there was apparently only one reason on the pro side. Simply Love.

When I was little, just like most little girls, I dreamed of prince charming. The boy that was going to come along and rescue me, love me, marry me and take me on the journey of a lifetime.
It was well thought out. I was going to marry Bobby, my 2o something neighbor. Yes, maybe he was close to 20 yrs my senior but he was and always will be my first crush :) But, a crush is simply all it was. I was sad when he got married. As years went on I cultivated who my prince charming would be. He was going to be blond hair... tall, green eyes, and once he found me we would ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after ...............Big SHOCK...that never happened the way I envisioned it, does it really ever.

For 3 yrs I sat around waiting for one guy to notice me. He was nothing at all what I imagined in my delusions of who my prince would be. As a matter of fact he was the opposite of the boys I conjured up in my mind.

He was so dark, his eyes were a beautiful brown and his hair was black. He wasn't tall, just taller than me. He was everything I never pictured but, I gravitated to him all the time.
I can remember being crushed when he dated different girls. I had my mind set that this was going to be the boy I would be married to one day.

I waited patiently for him. Finally in January of 1988 he finally was ready to give me a chance and see if it could worked. I was 16 and he was 19. So he wasn't what I thought I wanted, he is what God had in mind for me.

Turned out we had nothing in common however, I tried to like the things he liked. Even if I didn't like what he liked, I would go with the flow and just go.

We dated for 10 months and then he proposed to me in the dark of the driveway, in front of my house. Down on one knee, he said what he needed to say and then asked me "Would you make me the happiest guy in the world and spend the rest of your life with me? Will you marry me"?

So this beautiful guy with the black hair and brown eyes loved me enough to ask me to get married...Without a second though I said yes.

Almost 4 years after dating we got married and the journey had begun.
Here it is almost 22 years of being together and today we will celebrate our 18th wedding anniversary. No big fan fair. Quietly observing what is special to us...

We have had great moments of love, wealth, and wonderful memories of the past year 18 years of marriage. On the flip side we have experienced deep sadness, losing loved ones, and sometimes just being poor. But as of now we have withstood all of the good and bad...and I'm not so sure I would change anything.

Even when you are in your own pit of despair and you don't know what to do to help yourself out, somehow God sends the right person to execute His will for your life.
So I will cherish one more day filled with thoughts that My blond haired Knight in shining armor never arrived...but something better did.

Through the years we have been through many trials and firestorms. Sometimes I wish there were things that we didn't have to over come, but then I remember that had we not been through them, we wouldn't be who we are today.

I am better for having him in my life...

Where I Live

You know I am sitting here thinking, which in all honesty isn't really an activity I should do late at night or alone. It has been a day that has made me reflect on life. I'm not just thinking about my life, I am thinking about the big picture, yet again.

Less than 2 years ago, I lost my mom to Breast Cancer. I didn't think I would ever feel something so bad. I never hurt as much in my entire existence as I did they day she left this Earth...and from that moment on.
It is something we all face, something we all have to deal with right? While I will not diminish my own sadness at the loss of my mom, I will say openly that today something happened that has completely rocked the core of who I am as a wife and mother and invaded the small quiet neighborhood I live in.

A wife lost her husband, a son and daughter lost their dad. There is a human tragedy among us that brought us out of our homes into the streets and across our yards onto the grass of our neighbors who needed to know that this journey is not one to take alone, for we will be there. Oh! I will be the first to say we don't grasp all of the feelings and emotions that they are reeling in however, I will tell you, that when hands need to be held, or hearts need to be healed, or tears need to be fallen and wiped, this community will be there.

No one guarantees that we get our fair share of time with those we love and hold so dearly. Today I feel that statement with sadness. I got 36 years with my mom and I felt cheated. She got to see me graduate, get married, have 4 children. She was there for the milestones in my life. So if I feel cheated after 36 years, how could I think that the children and the wife that my neighbor leaves behind, could ever feel anything but cheated.

The sweet little boy that came to the door today with a heavy heart was not a little boy, he was a man.
An apology that came out about something that happened months ago proved the character this little man has. He simply wanted to let the boys know he was sorry about something he said. As the tears fell from his swollen eyes, he told my daughter to please pass that message onto the boys. He softly told her his dad died today...She came in and cried, what else could she do? She was overwhelmed by his news. As she cried, those words fell from her lips...his daddy died today. I brought him into the house, nothing I could say would ever help....yes, I know what it is like to lose one of the most important people in your life! But, I know what it is like to lose them at 36, not when I am a teenager.

I sent an email out to a deacon in our church to please pray for them and us, so that we would know how to best help them through this journey, how our sons can help their friend. About 10 minutes after I arrived at our neighbors home, my deacon arrived and prayed with the family, and then left. They were strangers and he prayed for them as if he were their neighbor. I am amazed that God really moves men to do things like that. I love where I live, love the things that I get to see, and be a part of something unique.

If your legacy is a reflection of your life, what would your reflection show?

I'm not perfect, proud, or always positive. I think, like everyone else, I will be thought of for the good, bad, and the ugly. I would hope that those left behind saw that I'm the girl that got the American Dream. An amazing husband, 4 kids, a fortunate existence. A little bit city, a little bit country. Loves her music and her country and isn't afraid of her religion or letting others know who her God is. A little shy but not a meek and quiet spirit by any stretch of the imagination! As a matter of fact, maybe a bit mouthy...OK A LOT mouthy.

Possibly as a girl that had a world far more colorful than her vocabulary. Hurt more than helped at times and helped when it was needed not just when it was convenient. Made more good decisions than bad ones.

Laughed when she wanted to cry and Cried when she couldn't laugh. was there to hold a friend's hand or more importantly their hearts. Listened and really heard what was being spoken.
Genuinely missed the people who left her life yet, carried on with the importance of who they were and what they taught her.

A woman that learned from her own mother's life so that she could be open enough to teach her daughter's through her own life. Honored the mother that began her story not so much by being just like her but because she became an individual and not a clone of anyone.

Maybe saw that it wasn't weakness to show emotion, instead it was a strength that allowed you to fall apart in what were days of trials, and exude joy in times of triumph
A woman who learned that everyone sees strength and weakness in a different way, and it's OK.

Sometimes as a woman who fell in line with other's but, could also march to the beat of a different drum...better than that, created her own beat even if no one else heard it.
Became the woman God created her to be.
...and maybe, just maybe, left a mark on this world...leaving it better the day she left than the day she entered it.

As Time Goes By

Sometimes I am often bewildered by myself. How is it that I have left almost 2 months go by since I have put thoughts into words and blogged? I'll tell you...I am busy living, doing, loving, laughing, wishing, waiting, giving, getting, laughing, crying, relaxing, parenting....that one is the toughest gig ever!...watching, learning, teaching, driving, thinking, speaking, praying, begging, reconnecting, disconnecting, and most of all worshipping.

What a busy time this has been! Exciting things are happening. I drove to Florida and got to see my sister Angela, my BIL Ross, and their two kids, then drove to South Florida to see my sister JoAnn, her girls, and Steve. We had a time, not bad, just busy. I finally got the remains of my mom, that had been awaiting me...More importantly, this was the first time my sister's amd I had been together since October 27, 2007. The last time we were together was in the hospital visiting our mom. I flew home that day not knowing that, that would be the last time my mom would ever see her 3 girls in the same room together again...It was how it should be, even if that wasn't how we thought it should be.

We had a girls night out, we took pictures, we even went to have manicures and pedicures done with a gift certificate that was about 4-5 years old. It was for a Mother's Day gift and my mom never used it and the company honored it after we told them where the GC came from. I think my mom would be glad that we had a great time getting our fingers and toes pampered!
We went to the Contour Day Spa inside the Seminole Hard Rock Casino. That was a first for me. It wasn't built when we left Florida 7 years ago.

Oh yeah! that's another thing, we passed the 7 year mark for moving here to TN.

I drove straight through on the way home and man was I tired! A few days later we drove with some of the youth group from Church for a VBS training retreat. We went to the most outrageously beautiful cabin ever! It was like walking into a magazine layout.

When we returned from there we were once again supposed to hit the road. This time to Easly, South Carolina, to help build a church along with our Mission Team. It would have been a couple of hours away from where I was born. I had planned on leaving a day early so that I could see Charleston. Ahhh but alas, other plans were on the horizon. We didn't have to go very far to serve God. We continued working on a church in Lavergne, TN just 15 minutes down the road.
To see a little more go to http://www.buildersonmissions.blogspot.com/

Well that sort of wraps of the last 4 weeks of stuff...I can't recall anything prior to that. :)
Pictures to come soon

Thoughts To Jot

I can't believe how long it has been since I have had anything I wanted to blog about and put in writing. Sometimes you can be eager to spill those thoughts and emotions and, other times you want to hold it in and not say anything for whatever reason you have that you feel it needs to be pushed down and kept safe inside yourself. What intense feelings on both sides of that war, a war within.

Now that Facebook is around it seems blogging is so much less important than it once was.
Friends and family reconnect instantly. People don't really need to keep up with blogs when you can log on to Facebook and in your little space of the cyber world tell everyone where you're going, what you're doing, how you're feeling, and what points you're about to ponder. It is highly addictive and terribly fun.

Good things have come from it....Anyone who logged on over the weekend knew my uncle and aunt were in a awful motorcycle accident. People who wouldn't know them otherwise said prayers simply because the connection of one person. It really has become a phenomenal feeling. People from all over the world praying for me and them, it is ultra-humbling...ya know.

I wish I could say my uncle is doing as well as I hoped but,it is all in God's hands and timing. There are so many unanswered questions. Is he going to be OK...I mean really Ok, back to the uncle that I know? Back to the husband that he is to his wife? How will this change the rest of us who love him...them?

There is a reason that a family goes on journey's such as these. Sometimes we need to be sensitive to what God is trying to tell us. I get the big picture, I really do....life is fleeting and more precious than we allow ourselves to realize. What makes us believe we are immune to bad things touching our inner circle of life? Bad things happen to everyone!

Can this turn into something good? Can God soften even the hardest of hearts? Of course He can! Is that the purpose of this trial...Will it go on until each one of us touched by this opens our eyes and sees exactly what we are supposed to be to each other....I don't doubt God, I have seen way tooooo many miracles, and been a part of some, to second guess Him. It's the hardened hearts that I question.

...and now I am off to finish cooking dinner and ponder the points that filled my mind

Tired

I'm tired....tired of the saga, tired of the drama, tired of the whole nine yards. Seriously, what the heck happened to these assembly of people we have loved and called family.
Why do we deal with these trials that test the ties that bind. Some bonds have gotten stronger and some have just unraveled. Then there are those who just cut that tie, and pretend that it was never there. Sad but very true.

I'm not running out of things to say, just running out of energy to do so....

Harvesting

George, G3, and Matthew...Freezing -Getting ready to go and try kill something.
The word kill will be referred to as harvest from here after in this short post.

Here is Matthew and his first doe. He decided to give her a name. Luna really must have been pretty alive..that is, before my child harvested her.He called me and maybe for 10 seconds spoke to me telling me he shot a doe and then handed the phone to Terry, who so softly said "your son is a killer" :) He knows how bad I didn't want them to go hunting let alone harvest anything!

Matthew once wanted to be a Vet and wanted to shoot something just to nurse it back to health, that really isn't the way it happens. He is so compassionate, I mean at 3 he cried when Dorothy was saying goodbye to the scarecrow...When He arrived home. I asked him when he shot her did he feel like he was going to cry, and he said I thought I was gonna cry because I was so darn excited.....What!!!! what happened to the little 3 year old?

This is a photo of Matthew and Terry, with Luna. Terry was nice enough to position "Luna" so that she would be a little more photogenic. Personally, photogenic would be to shoot her with a camera and let her live. As I am looking at this picture, I think I just realized that Terry is holding what looks like a knife.....which if your a hunter, the next step of harvesting is field dressing, which I can't even begin to wrap my head around. Thankfully there are no photos of that.

Venting

Ohhhh You know what stinks....I'll tell you, finding out well after the fact that your life means very little to some people. I have found out plenty of things that truly frost my panties...can I say that? Well yes I can, it's my blog and I think I shall vent a little....

Venting is good for the soul right? The word that comes to a daughter's mind when thinking about her father should be reliable, strong, dependable, not a narcissistic sociopath. Am I right? Among all the terrible things I have learned about my dad...and there have been plenty. I have really become aware how vain he is, how his needs come first, how the only thing that matters is him and what he allows into his well gardened circle of existence.

Since my mom died, it has been all about him, him, him. I am just sick of him.
Literally, physically, emotionally, and mentally, I have just had all I can stand. I'll still pray for him, but can not allow him into a part of my life that I hold to dearly.

There is an old adage that goes.... every little girl wants to grow up and marry someone like their dad....I knew I never felt that way. Yes I put him first, because he always had to be the center of attention but, I certainly knew I wouldn't marry someone that was just like him. Arrogance, Abusive, and Attention hog doesn't equal attractiveness.

Why would I want to grow up and marry someone like him, someone who beat the crap out of my mother well into her 50's. I sometimes think she was fine with dying simply because she was physically tired of living with him. He always put himself first...still does.

I had surgery a month ago and was on some good meds. I just found out today that my precious husband called to let my dad know that I came out of surgery fine, did he answer the phone....no. apparently his sister did and when George asked to talked to my father what he heard absolutely floors me, my panties are in a big fat bunch over this....dear sweet dad couldn't get on the phone because he was driving.........but tell her I love her....
Pull your big butt over and talk to your son-in-law and find out that your daughter is dead, alive, breathing or unconscious.

My baby sister told me that today, her and I had already had this conversation but, since I was so medicated I didn't know it, remember it, or she believes I might have blocked it from my memory. So I sit here today festering, loathing, seething....yeah seething about who my father really is and who he isn't.

I am broken to think that I am part of him...

Why

Have you ever contemplated the word...why? I'm not asking you why you contemplated it however feel free to share =).
Why is the perfect question and therefore it is also the perfect answer. It is the one word that continues comuunication.

Hi, how are you?
Why?
Because I wanted to know.
Why?
I was concerned?
Why?
God put you on my heart and thought I should ask?
Why?
Because following God's word sounded good?
Why?
why what?

I think every parent has answered the endless why's from their little blessings, after about a hundred why's I break down and just say just because that's why.

Just a silly observation to break the major stress that I have been under

Dawn In My Dreams

Here I am, Here I've been,recovering from a little surgery and found out that I'm not as young as I once was. The older you are, the harder it is to recover. It hasn't been all bad. I have had time to reflect on the past year, the present moments of my life, and of course the days in the new year ahead of me.

The hardest days were Jan 9th and January 10th. You see my mom's birthday was January 10th. I went to sleep on the 9th and call it the drugs or whatever...but, everytime I fell asleep, in my dreams, people kept coming up to me telling that my mom was going to die, this happened over and over and in my dream I got to see my mom's face. In all my other dreams, I never got to see her face. Around 4am I woke up and just laid there whith an overwhelming real sense that my mom was alive and that I was mad that my dreams were indicative of her going to die. I said out loud to God, "why are these people warning me of her death....it was then that I grasped that I was awake and she really was gone. I also remembered it was her birthday too.

Dreams can be so bittersweet. This one was so real it made me mad, and it left me empty and full at the same time.
I finally saw my mom in my dreams, I got to hear her voice and hear her laughter again, and that left me feeling me emotional. However the dream, once over, leaves you with the feeling that afterall it was just a dream. Sometimes I really wish I could control what I dream of.
That way I could be prepared and know what to say or do in that dream...

I guess if you really think about loss, death, being gone etc... what an impact you must have had on people if they still miss you long after you are gone...

If you didn't put it together...My mom's name is Dawn

7:40am

This morning my baby sister called me. She asked me if I was sitting down..."yeah" I hadn't even gotten out of bed yet. :) She said that they would be in Shelbyville later today. It is a 10 hour drive from where they live to TN.

It may only be for a few minutes because as soon as they pick up the dogs they are adopting they are going to turn around and get back on the road home to Ocala, Fl.

It isn't a far drive from our house so I am gonna pack up the kids and meet her down there. Oh what an awesome gift. I have not seen Angela since October 2007. We were down in Davie because my mom was in the hospital. I haven't seen Ross, RJ, and Carolyn since the summer of 2006.

I am intensely emotional thinking about seeing her. I forgot to ask her if she was bringing my mom with her. My mom's ashes were separated once she was cremated and Angie has been holding mine because I wasn't allowed to bring them home on a plane. Weird I know :)

I can't wait to take some photos....I'll post those another time

18 Blessings

Apparently my last post wasn't my last post. :) I found something cool to post on.

George and I were sitting here reading the news and found out that the Duggars welcomed baby #18 into the Duggar Den. We have been enthralled by this family who really live by the notion "as many as God allows."

We use to be a full house (3 guys and 2 girls) before our little gem arrived.Now we are a really full house. We had 4 children in 9 years and people looked at us like we were crazy. Then came the Duggars -18 children in 20years. I'm exhausted just thinking about how much food I would have to cook or the amount of laundry that needed to be washed. It makes you wonder how people back in the really old days did it...laundry and chores I meant :) I guess I might be able to keep up if I had a few washers and dryers too. Nah, on second thought, the best kind of laundry is when someone else does it.

Whew!
If I were her I would stay in the hospital as long as I could just to get some rest.

No Title

I haven't had anything to really blog about lately so I think I will take a short break after this post. That's how I feel today, I may feel differently tomorrow...who knows :)

Days that I thought may never come, seem to have passed by so quickly. I'm sure everyone can relate to that. As the days go by, it is really hard to believe that 2008 is swiftly coming to a close. But ahh just around the corner is a new year waiting for us. New adventures to be had, time waiting to be spent, moments waiting to be captured, and memories waiting to be made.

Life continues to be wonderfully chaotic. This year has brought ups and downs as I am sure it has for everyone. I am learning to cope with my mom not being here...cope, I guess that's what you call it when you have no other choice in doing something different.

Oh what a "Jerry Springer" year it has been. Laugh with me everyone...laugh that it isn't your family...it's OK to laugh about it...I do...now anyway. Still don't know my dad's new wife, obviously still haven't met her, but apparently I have step sibling's also. Hmmm still really odd, then again this entire year has been a bit strange I guess. No guessing about it, it was strange.

George is loving his new job. well that's all I got for him :)

Georgie-
G3 continues to challenge us as he finds his place at home, school, and church. He is an awesome child but that back talking mouth...he must get that from his daddy. I never learned the art of back talking well enough for it to be a challenge to my parents. :)
In June, Georgie went with the team from church to serve God and help build a church in Georgia. G3 does well in school and has loved being in JROTC...He served his community at the annual Nissan picnic in Smyrna, He was a waiter for the JROTC spaghetti dinner, and
he marched in the Murfreesboro Christmas parade along with the rest of his fellow cadets. Every inspection he has had, he has earned a 5.0 and in November he was cadet of the month. This week he has mid-term exams and has been studying...Please God let him pass. :)

Megan-
Meg is becoming quite the young lady...attitude and all. She has had a huge growth spurt. She usually makes the honor roll in school, and has adjusted better to middle school than we thought she would. She is a Lady Falcon on the school's dance squad and really enjoys herself and she seems to be finding her place in school just fine. She participates in as many events for the Girls in Action group at church. She is also a part of the children's choir in church.

Matthew-
Matt is doing awesome in school and has also made the honor roll a couple of times. He was on the Cross Country team in the fall and although he didn't place in the races he got a lot of experience. He is compassionate and passionate. He has already said that he would like to do it again next year. He still loves football, so that may prove to be a hard choice for him when he decides what he wants to do. Matthew has earned several badges this year being in the Royal Ambassadors from church. Matt is more shy than Meg however, he is also in the children's choir.

Juliana-
Jules, where to begin with her...hmmm.
Juliana turned the ripe old age of 5 this year. Juliana's biggest accomplishment was that she was her own hair dresser. Yes indeed, she hacked away chunks of hair that were probably close to 12 inches long. I found one chunck of hair left on her head that was maybe 3 inches long...Yikes. I was furious. She had never, ever, ever had a hair cut and she did it herself. The second big thing that has happened, is that Juliana is in school in a prep class called Kindergarten readiness. Her teacher encourages us and lets us know how well she is doing. Juliana is a funny little girl.

Although there are times that I am frustrated and just worn, torn and exhausted from all the going's on that each child is involved in, I am very proud of the great things they have done, and am exciting to see what is in store for us in the future.

So to close out what might be the last post this year...I wish you well. I hope you find joy. Have a Merry Christmas, and an Amazing New Year!

Contemplating Compromise

compromise- an accommodation in which both sides make concessions;

Typically that's the definition we tend to think about when using it in everyday life. For goodness sake I would love a little compromise with the teenager, I live with. It rarely happens however, when it does, it is almost glorious.

I think so many times in life we are taught to meet in the middle and compromise to get along with one another. You give a little and I'll give a little, we all be better for it right....maybe, but sometimes....not so much.

In marriage, if there isn't compromise once in a while heads would roll, and we would just be at an impasse sometimes. Most relationships we have are made up of a little give and take. Some give more, and some take more.

If there is no compromise most people would stay mad at each other, grudges would last a lifetime, and we would honestly be in a constant state of discontent, wouldn't we?

What about another definition of compromise?

compromise- expose or make liable to danger, suspicion, or disrepute.

Have you ever thought of that word in such a blunt light?

What are you compromising today?

You Marriage?

Your Friendships?

Your Children?

Your Family?

Yourself?

Your God?

Are you protecting your marriage from outside interference?

Are you holding your friendships to a higher standard?

Are you doing what you can to guard your children and what they see and hear?

Are you sacrificing your family for something you shouldn't be?

What about yourself, are you able to hold yourself accountable for your actions?

What about God, do you stand for Him, if not your compromising Him?

How much compromise can something withstand before it breaks or gives under the mounting pressure?

I had a conversation with someone a few weeks ago that brought up the subject of compromising values. They were critical of parents who allow their children to watch things they feel is unacceptable.

This "someone" stands on the soapbox to protect what their child sees and hears on TV yet, doesn't protect their own eyes and ears. Why is there a double standard?

If your children can't watch it, because of content, explicit language, or demoralizing values, why are you?

I'm not completely condemning TV, movies, and books however, what I am contemplating is why do we afford ourselves a higher intelligence in thinking that I'm older so therefore I can filter what I see and hear.

We can't....

If you rent space to even one thing that can potentially harm what you have supposedly taken the time to build, you have just allowed a major compromise. And all for what benefit? None, it ends up being to the detriment

If you look at your marriage, your, friends, your children, your family, yourself, and your God as a garden and you take the time to cultivate, plant, water, feed, and love that garden would you be OK with weeds coming in to take over?

No, you'd go out there and take the weed out before it had a chance to over take the fruit those seeds were trying to become. So why do we allow things to choke the life out of the things we say we hold in such high regard?

My sister has been recently begun to ask about God...I am not qualified to answer so many of the questions she has and I am so glad that I have people in my life to turn to for guidance in my quest to get the weeds out of this garden, and not contribute a weed unknowingly. If I don't have an answer, I am honest enough to say I don't know but, I do know someone who can help me find out.

I wouldn't want to get it wrong and compromise the chance she has in building a real relationship with God.

Are you getting "IT" wrong? What is "IT"for you?

I guess the bottom line is that the process of compromise isn't always something that is a positive thing...is it?

Rescued

When my mom had to tell her mom that she had breast cancer it was awful. She told her that even though this was the time she should be helping to care for her, she might need her own mother's help in the days ahead as she fought this disease. It turned out to be such a thief. It stole, life, time and the person that I knew my mom to be.

When she died, I felt so sad for all of us, especially my grandma. We aren't supposed to go before our children. I think everyone feels like that no matter how young or old we are. That must truly be the most deep loss anyone could ever feel.

I can remember my grandma telling me many times that she was ready to go. After my mom died she really didn't find joy in life that she once did. Losing her child changed her.

Everything and everyone changed after my mom died. Greed, selfishness, and arrogance blew through like a storm, it was unbelievable. It still is unreal. It was only by God's grace that I did get to talk to her a couple of weeks ago. She picked up her phone while I was talking to my aunt.

I am so glad I called that day. We said everything we needed to. I know she loved me, and she knew that I loved her, isn't that really the one important thing you need to express to each other everyday and so much more so when some one's time is drawing to a close.

She prayed and pleaded with God to take her and let her be with my mom. She staunchly believed all along that my mom is in heaven, oh that would be a beautiful thought and I thank God that He allows me that hope. I'd be totally alright if it is true...as a matter of fact I might just shout out a woohoo, if I find her in heaven when I get there.

God is gracious, grandma prayed to be rescued from this world...He didn't make Greatma(that's what we all called her after she became a great-grandma) wait to long. Yesterday before we sat down for Thanksgiving dinner, I got the call that God answered her and called her home for her own thanksgiving. 385 days after my mom died, my grandma has gone on to somewhere better. She isn't suffering anymore. Her lungs can now take deep long breaths. I hope she found my mom and is up there enjoying a special reunion. Thank you God for the mercy, grace, and hope...I appreciate it

We talk about Heaven being so far away. It is within speaking distance of those who belong there. Heaven is a prepared place for a prepared people.

~Dwight L. Moody~

Thankful

So many things to be thankful for this year. Even though the year has brought many tears and heartache, it has also brought so many fun moments and plenty of laughter to offset the hard days.

I am so thankful for everyone that has stepped foot into my life and made a difference.

I am thankful for a husband George to love, not everyone has someone to love, honor, and cherish. Let alone, have that in return. Thank you for loving me even when I struggle to love myself.

I am thankful for the healthy children I have, not everyone is granted that gift. Georgie, Megan, Matthew, and Juliana...there may have been challanges the day you were born however, you wouldn't know that now. You are God's gift to me.

I am thankful for my sister's JoAnn, and Angela, bonds that finally formed when we needed each other most. You are mom's best gift to me.

I am thankful for friend's I've know a while who have walked in the joyous moments of my life, to the ones who have held my hands through the darkest days I have been in.

I am thankful and excited for all the new friendships that God seems to think I deserve.

I am thankful for the friend's close by, the one's that live in other states, the one's that live in another country and the ones preparing to leave to a new country.

I am thankful for healed friendships, and even thankful for the ones that won't heal.

I am thankful for lessons learned...the hardest are the ones that have provided the greatest wisdom.

I am thankful for the house I live in, the truck I drive and the food in our pantry.

I am thankful for our animals, yes even our silly little creatures that love us just because. Although Chloe does make it difficult to love her.

I couldn't be truly thankful if I didn't recognize God in my life....It is from Him, whom all blessings flow.

Thanks big Guy...I'm having a pretty amazing journey here

Psalm 109:30

With my mouth I will give thanks abundantly to the LORD; And in the midst of many I will praise Him.

While I'm Waiting

If you haven't seen this movie...you simply must!

Hearts On Fire

This past weekend we went to Gatlinburg TN. We, the youth pastor Richard, myself, and Tommy drove with trucks and teens to go to the annual Hearts on Fire Youth Conference over in Gatlinburg. G3 and I were the only ones that had never been to East TN. It was an experience.

The girls took a ton of photos and once I get them I will post some.

We had a really cool time. The Hearst on Fire band began the night and then we saw Shane and Shane which I never heard of but, they had awesome music. Dave Edwards spoke and the Sanctus Real played....note to self remember the ear plugs people warned you to take.

The following day we got to see 33 Miles sing, Sean McDowell (yes it is Josh McDowell's son) and we got a 2hour break and went back to hear an amazing speaker. His name is Ergun Caner. He is the president of Liberty Theological Seminary in VA. He teaches apologetics which is defending you faith. I was probably blown away by him more than anyone.

Anyway we made it home safely and had an incredible time. Glad to be home though

A Year Of Reflection

Reflection is defined as contemplation: a calm, lengthy, intent consideration observation: expression without words:The image of something as reflected by a mirror or other reflective material:

Some of my thoughts today are to thank the people who have loved me and stuck by me from the onset of my mother's diagnosis until her death. The minute the words "they think I have breast cancer" fell from my mother's lips onto my unsuspecting life, people have surrounded me with love, compassion, and friendship.

George- you really are the most incredible husband. What a horrible thing to have to walk through with me. A silent bond we don't talk about much, just because....I don't mean just losing a mom, I mean losing a mom to breast cancer. For whatever reason, I am sorry, that it is way to hard to let go and lose it in front of you the way you may need me to. You are...fill in the blank

My sister's- mom was right, we would have each other to lean on.

My friend's...they are the greatest I could ever ask for. The cards, the calls, the prayers...who could ask for more. Ironically it was Vicki Espey (I had spoke about Vicki for over 6 months to my mom) that called me minutes after my mom said those words to me. Vicki was the first to know. She was telling me she was finally finished with chemo. It was a beautiful moment. Vicki said to me that maybe God was preparing me by being near her through what she went through. She is probably right. She showed me courage, faith, love, and along with that I learned what hope really was. I got to see those things in my mother in a profound way, even if it was from a different perspective than my own regarding faith.

I am so very thankful for all of my friend's. From Kim who sent the dreaded email out for me 5 minutes after I found out my mom died, to Debbie who sat and cried with me when I walked into church. Terry who held my hand until George arrived and to the church members that allowed me to sit there and call them family. Marlo who would just call to tell me she wishes she was here...I wished that too. There are people that are in my life that know exactly what it is like to lose a mom. I am so blessed to have my friend's.

I thought I would dread this day to the point of not wanting to leave my bed. I don't like it but, I'm not curled up just wasting the day...Is that wrong? I have cried so much this past year, that yesterday I thought the first thing I would do when thinking about my mom today, would be to cry a river of tears. I didn't. Yet. The tears will come because, without fail, they always do.

I have wondered if there was anything that I could have possibly left out that I needed to say. Only one thing comes to mind. I never told her how much I was going to miss her. I didn't ever really accept the fact that she would not be here one day so I didn't allow myself to absorb the thought of missing her.Even though the circle of life continues and life moves on, it doesn't stop you from missing the person that is the beginning of your circle. She was who my first story started with.

For a year I have cried over the loss of life my mother had. Over the moments she was no longer there to see. Over the phone calls that she wasn't there to answer. Over the long talks that i was supposed to get. Over the times we needed her guidance. Over the days we would no longer have to hug one another. Over the memories that are being made with out her presence.

I will try to joyfully remember the wonderful things. I will find happiness in the life you lived, not the life you lost. In the phone calls we had, not the ones you can no longer answer. For the very long talks we had, not the ones we hoped to have. For the times you guided us, not for the times we think we need guidance now. For the many hugs and kisses we had, not the ones we miss. Joyful for the most beautiful memories you left me with, not the ones made with out you.

Reflectiing on the past year, I have come to see how very lucky I was for 36 years to have someone in my life as special as my mom. I hope to remain in the thoughts of those 36 years with her and not dwell in the 365 days without her.

It is a hard task especially as the tears start to flow, and the phone starts ringing with my friend's and family calling to check on my 3 sister's and I. My email box beginning to fill with thoughts and concern is a sweet reminder of how much I am loved.

I hope that if my mom can see me from wherever I hope she is, that I have made her proud by the things I say (well not all the things), the acts that I do, and the life I am living. The best way I could honor my mom's memory is being the woman she raised me to be.

For You have rescued my soul from death, My eyes from tears, My feet from stumbling.

Psalm 116:8

Rock the Vote

It is Election Day and it's a great privilege to vote...So if you haven't done it, Go and Do It!!!!

If you don't vote, the right to complain and have someone hear it, is lost.

~ A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election. ~ Bill Vaughn

~ Always vote for principle, though you may vote alone, and you may cherish the sweetest reflection that your vote is never lost. ~ John Quincy Adams

A Lifetime

Lifetime- The period in which something is functional.

That stiunks for a definition don't you think? I think!

When some one dies young we certainly don't feel as if they have lived a lifetime. What is the age people reach that you feel comfortable that they lived a "lifetime?" I can tell you that almost a year has gone by and I am no closer to believing that my mom got a "lifetime."

With that said, I am doing one more post on Breast Cancer. After all, it is the last day of October which you know, well enough by now, is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

Yesterday I got an email from my friend Vicki. She sent out an email that began " It is with an extremely heavy heart that I write this..." I hate emails that begin with those thougths. She was emailing us to let us know her sister-in-law has just been diagnosed with Breast Cancer.

Speeachless

Words are inadequate

Dunfounded

Thoughts uncollected

Saying Prayers

They say God only gives us what we can handle, Mother Teresa once replied to that thought "I wish He didn't trust me so much"

I know millions of families are affected by Breast Cancer, including ours. Never get to a place where you think oh that won't ever happen to us, or me. Just like everything else in life. It can happen, No one's family is immune to it. Not even those who never had a history of Breast Cancer. Vicki was a first. George's mom was a first. My mom was a first.

Everyone deserves a lifetime. My definition of a lifetime is having enough time to do all the things you were put here to do. Some may argue that my mom did all she was meant to do, maybe so however; she is my mom and I think I just needed (wanted) a little more of her in my lifetime.

So your all gonna go home and touch your boobs and do your monthly Breast Exams right!!!

I miss her everyday. Today is no different. When we were little she would make our costumes, and today 2 people I spoke with told me they remember how talented she was and they looked forward to seeing what she made for us. Funny enough the one costume that came to their mind was a sunflower. She made the green velvet dress and the yellow velvet bonnet with the petals that went around my face. We never did get a store bought costume. Of all the costumes she made for my sisters and I...and there were a lot, that sweet little sunflower was and always will be my favorite.

Is It Winter?

What happened with the weather? It isn't even noon yet and I am seriously thinking about grabbing some wood and laying by a fire.

I love people who write about laying next to the beach enjoying the sun and the surf. They speak about how they can lose themselves and find real relaxation by watching the waves. I can appreciate that, I really can! I'm a Florida girl, we can understand everybody north of Georgia coming down thinking how wonderful a place Florida is to live, and how the beaches are beautiful. Heck I have even been to the beach a time or two. The ocean is beautiful and I can see where some people think it's peaceful, with the water crashing to to the shore and the warm water gliding over your feet that are stuck in the wet sand, it's nice I know!

That is until, I think about the suntan lotion, the wind gently gliding across the sand pulling it up into the air and slapping it down on your freshly Hawaiian Tropic drenched white untanned body. Personally I think that is why God allowed people to invent self tanners and maybe even tanning beds...not sure, I'll have to ask when I get up there.

So here is what I am saying, when I get a bit grumbly about the chilly, down right freezing, my toes have frost bite kind of weather, God reminds me why it's good to be me. I can go sleep in front of a warm fire, instead of baking my white skin to a crisp on a beach. I won't have to shake off my sand covered towel, hopefully sand crabs didn't crawl in there too. There's no need to stop at the community shower and rinse off all the sand you got on yourself from head to toe. There will be no sand in my truck for 6-12 months wondering where it came from because the last trip to the beach was forever ago.....and my favorite... trying to get every grain of precious sand out of your hair and every other part of your body you forgot you had until an annoying piece of sand decided to wedge itself in there. You understand what I'm saying right?

Now a fire....that's soothing and peaceful...got to go start a fire, oh forget it, I would have to go to outside in the cold weatehr to get the wood....

Happy Birthday Big Sister

Today is my oldest sister's birthday. 40 years old.
You know there have been times of my life where I thought I could be so much better off without this bossy, crabby, controlling big sister. Thankfully God has shown me how wrong I was.

Today I am sitting back and remembering one very sweet story my mom told me several years ago about my big sister Jo Ann.

Jo Ann is the oldest and I am the middle child, the second middle child (Alex was born second and died in May of 1970). I was born 6 weeks early and only 14 months after Alex died. Jo Ann, by that time was almost 3.

I was brand new and freshly home from the hospital and my mom went to use the bathroom. She laid me on the couch and surrounded me with pillows. I began to whimper and Jo Ann picked me up and was calling to my mom that "I bringing baby to you." My mom was on her way out of the bathroom and turning the corner of the hall and saw Jo Ann holding me and carrying me towards her. She quickly thought to herself, I can't rush over there, and since she didn't want to scare Jo Ann or startle her by moving faster towards her she just stood there. She thought that if she rushed over then Jo Ann would get nervous that she did something wrong and drop me. Jo Ann continued walking carefully to my mom and my mom gently spoke to her saying what a good job she was doing and what a good big sister she was being. Jo Ann did a great job delivering me back into the safety of her arms, never tripping, or even dropping me.

What a wonderful story I have to go through life with. I am so grateful that my mother shared that sweet story with me.

For many years Jo Ann and I had a terrible sibling rivalry. This past year seemed to have melted it away. Jo Ann has been the big sister to Angela and I. In so many ways she is that little- big sister in the story I just told.

Over the past year when her baby sister's, who are now all grown up and so far away, were crying, she picked us up and gently held us until we felt loved and secure. We felt the safety of her being there for us in a way that is different than the way our friends are here, not better, just different.

I am so thankful for God allowing me to see the strong woman that Jo Ann has become. She has a hard life. Raising 3 kids, working 2 jobs, dealing with a ex-husband etc....
I am proud of her and I am proud that she is my big sister.
Happy Birthday Jo Ann. I love you!!!

The Good Bye That Won't Come

I knew this day would be so hard.

Emotional isn't even the word that describes. As I sit here typing this I can remember everything about a year ago. It was the last time I looked at my beautiful mother and said Don't cry mom, I will see you soon.

I thank God for that moment, I really do. For in that moment, I was filled with Hope. Hope that somehow tomorrow would hold something better than today. I can sit here one year later and think of how grateful, and thankful for that one moment in time that I am. A moment that was just between my mom and me. A good bye I never really got say. It was the way it was meant to be.

Once I moved away from Florida,we never said good-bye to each other, it was always...see you soon or , talk to you later. For my mom, there wasn't anything fun about good-bye's, they were sad and we always cried. Good-bye's seemed so final.

Cancer or not, every time we pulled away and drove back home I cried. I cried when we left, cried when I would hit the "you are now leaving Broward County sign"...I would cry again when I hit the Georgia border. Then the only relief I would have, was pulling in the driveway and seeing George there, knowing that he was a part of my haven, he would have a hot bubble bath waiting for me because he knew how tired I would be. Most of the times that I drove down there, I would drive straight through.

On Oct 27th,2007 I was so blessed on my flight home. I sat across the isle from a gentleman who was on his way home to his wife, he and I talked about how if you don't have faith, than you really don't have much. He told me his story and I told him mine. So many other people around us had IPOD's or MP3 players in their ears yet, this gentleman was happy to talk to me the whole time. Before he left he sweetly said, it's hard, and it's gonna get harder, but you'll be OK. He had to catch a different plane, and I was thankfully at my destination...Home

I will be OK....one day

I'm still not ready to write that goodbye letter...For all the times I have started it, I can just never seem to get the grip I need to finish it. So maybe I will begin that letter instead, as a Hope to see you again letter...

Good Will Hunting

This weekend was reserved for youth hunting. Friday night we went to Terry and Connie's home for dinner. Connie, rocks with some meat, beans, and tomatoes (I had elk chili- YUM-O). After dinner baby Katie entertained me along with Beau and Thor, a dog that is the size of a Shetland pony...but skinny.

Then the guys followed Terry to the "shed" to see stuff, I didn't go and Connie said "You don't want to see it" so I happily don't know what is in the "shed"....and I am good with that.

Then came the hunting lesson. (we could hear this from the living room)

Rule #1- Don't shoot the guide....Terry's their guide
Rule #2- Don't shoot the guide's truck....enough said
Rule#3- Follow rules #1 and #2

George and Terry out for the early morning hunt. If you are wondering why it is in B&W. It was very early and George accidentally flipped the camera to far and now he has to color them digitally.

Matt, George and G3 prior to Matt going out for the evening hunt.

The magnitude of this orange camo doesn't do it justice in these photos. When I say orange, I'm talking beyond UT fluorescent orange, it could glow in the dark.

Terry and Matthew

The obligitory "have a good time hunting" picture

I was really kind of against hunting until I tasted that elk. It was really amazing. It was tender and not gamy at all. I'm not wild about shooting an amazing creature however, Terry's daughter Tiffany was sweet enough to explain to me why hunting has to occur. :) and then Darby was kind and humane enough to helpus guard ourselves from scarring our kids (or me) for life. She said "Don't let your kids come home with a deer strung from the basketball net." That's what I'm talking about. AMEN! sister!

So the boys came and went hunting and got a little experience. Surely, I thought, this would snuff out any joy and excitement that they thought they were going to have by hunting down these beautiful animals....nope...didn't happen.

After the boys came home and were still thrilled about going and wanted to do it again...I guess I am going to have to be OK with it.

I am going to go shoot them too.... in a different way. I, at some point would love to go out and photograph these beautiful animals. Afterall, a photograph is the only way a deer is gonna hang on my wall :)

Tag Your It- 4th Tag

I was tagged by Wendy. You are supposed to take the 4th photo from your 4th folder...I think that is how it goes.
Anyhow! This is from our first year here in TN. It is the end of summer 2002.
The photo is of George and Megan (I can't believe how little she was) getting ready to unload fire wood. The house in the background is not ours. It belongs to our sweet neighbors who are moving to TX :(

If your reading this consider your self tagged.

A Walk To Remember

Today I dropped off my truck at our awesome mechanics and decided to walk home. It is only a mile away. I soooo needed that walk, yes it did my butt some good but, it did my heart even more good.

At church we are going through the book of Revelation and last night, through our pastors sermon, I fet challenged to go back to the beginning. Back to when I really first knew God. Knew why He was in my life, knew why I needed Him, and why other people needed to hear what He was doing in my life.

Sure I go to church on Sunday mornings, and nights and again on Wednesday nights. I love to hear our preacher preach The Word of God. I genuinely want to be a woman of God. Sometimes I do feel like our relationship (me and God) is on the back burner. Maybe, because there is so much in the fore front of my life.

I still read my Bible, I do my Bible studies and plans for the girl's I teach. I serve. I pray. But there is more. I really want to get back to the growth I began feeling last year. It's hard, and I know there have been times that I have kept God at a distance. I'm not so sure why.

Every thing in my life seemed to be put on hold when I found out my mom had cancer. It was odd. All the normal things...well the things that were normal for me, suddenly didn't fall into place any more. I needed xanax to get to a point that would just allow me to not feel anything so that I could stop crying enough to get a grip in front of my kids. I didn't care to do laundry, I didn't meal plan anymore, instead of calling friends to check on them, people were calling to check on me....It was a very backwards time in my life.

I want to get back to what normal was for me. I began making headway with my relationship with God in June of 2007. I was focused and aware of how deeply I needed God and the people He surrounded me with. I was thankful. I felt like a new Christian again. I wanted to tell everyone how I felt. God was stretching my faith to a new place. A place of real trust and grace.

By October, something was very wrong with my mom. She was declining and doing it so fast.
Our daily calls became shorter and shorter. It got to the point that I was just leaving messages on her answering machine. Maybe it was her way of helping me let go. I think she tried the very best she could to help me understand that she wasn't going to be there every time I called.

I never blamed God for her dying, I have no anger for Him...Maybe her absence in some way still isn't very real to me, I guess. I don't know.

Anyway, on my walk back home I had my MP3 player going and I just looked up into the very few clouds that were there and just thanked God for being more faithful to me than I was to Him. As I turned one corner I looked up and saw the moon...well half of it anyway. It was just incredible. It was almost noon and the clouds were few and there in the middle of the big blue sky was the moon peeking through. Only God, was all I could think of for that moment.

Only God could show me the very moon that our friends were probably looking at as they were about to go to sleep on the other side of the world.
Not that I didn't know it or remember it but, I was reminded of the fact that God is so much bigger than we can ever fathom, greater than our minds can comprehend, and closer than our hearts can ever know. His presence each moment of each day is spent waiting for us to need Him, ask Him, want Him, Love Him, and ovey Him....it is wild to think about.

May God always find me as thankful, grateful, and as refreshed for Him as I am today.


The last song that I listened to was Big Daddy Weave's "Every Time I Breathe"

I am sure all of heaven's heard me cry
As I tell You all the reasons why
This life is just too hard
But day by day
Without fail
I'm finding everything I need
In everything that You are To me

Every time I breathe, You seem a little bit closer
I never want to leave
I want to stay in Your warm embrace
Oh basking in the glory shining from Your face
And every time I get another glimpse of Your heart
I realize it's true That You are so marvelous
God And I am so in love with You

Now how could I after knowing One so great
Respond to You in any way That's less than all I have to give
But by Your grace I want to love You not with what I say
But everyday In the way that my life is lived

Every time I breathe, You seem a little bit closer
I never want to leave
I want to stay in Your warm embrace
Oh basking in the glory shining from Your face
And every time I get another glimpse of Your heart
I realize it's true That You are so marvelous
God And I am so in love with You

Wrapped in Your mercy I want to live and never leave
I am held by how humble Yet overwhelmed by Your majesty
Captured by grace and now I'm finding I am free
You are marvelous God And knowing You is everything

She Was... Repost

Nothing I could say this year would be any different than what I wrote last year so, just reposting it is the best thing I could do.


She Was....

The first woman to see my husband. The first woman to wrap her arms around him. The first woman to exclaim I love you. The woman that held his hand as she walked him to preschool. The woman that loved him far more than she loved anyone or anything else. She was and will always be the first woman in his life. She was his mom. She is his mom. In photos of her youth, she was simply stunning.




Today marks the 14th year she has missed life. It is very hard to write this simply because she loved him. My emotions are driven by the love for that same person. It is strange to look back after so many years and the perspective you see is very different from the one you had even 5 yrs ago or 10 years ago.



She was a friend to me, when George and I dated, she loved me. We hung out together. We went to bingo together, we would play Yahtzee till the wee hours of the morning. Although I wasn't a very good cook at the ripe age of 16 when I began dating George, I was at their house all the time, and she would prepare dinner and nothing was ever measured, it was a little of this and a little of that, just until it tasted ever so perfect. Some where after all these years funny memories, and good memories of who she was can invade my thoughts. For all that went wrong between her and I, it doesn't seem to matter as much as it once did. At times she was a mentor of mine. She taught me how to cook Italian food and some Polish food.



She was a bit jealous. Some how things turned a bit sour when George and I began to make wedding plans. I was taking her baby away, she thought. For me it was different because, my thoughts were "how do you live up to "the mother" who loved him, nurtured him, and guided him from child to boy and then into a man?" She was a great cook! Maybe her thoughts were the opposite, How can I compete with "the wife"? Within a few weeks after our wedding I knew I didn't have the pressure to compete with her, I don't know if that feeling ever came for her. Her son could love her as he always did and he had room to love me too.



She was mad that in me she not only found a rival, she found a woman who loved her son enough to put up with her antics and stood firm in her shoes and didn't back down to her.

She was a grandmother. She had 5 grandchildren all boys. Today there are 9 grandchildren.



She was a fighter. She fought Breast Cancer when George was 13 years old. She was a survivor. She beat Breast Cancer.



She was just at her 10 year survivor mark. 10 years and she was...cancer free
Not long after we got married she was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, metastatic Breast Cancer. She began radiation treatments because it was found in her knee. She was convinced it had been there long before she was diagnosed. Her doctors told her she was wrong and waited over 6 months to listen to her plea to just check it out. She was right.



Today we have so much more technological advancements to deal with Breast Cancer than they did when she was battling the second round of this disease. Through X-rays, she was told that it wasn't only confined in her knee. Breast Cancer invaded her brain stem, both her lungs, and in her liver as well.



She was going to have to fight again to live. She had chemotherapy and radiation treatments that were exhaustive for what they had available at the time.
She was HOPEful.



May of 1993 I found out I was pregnant. Finally she was going to have something to look forward to. She was talking about this new baby all the time. She was courageous. She knew her diagnosis was terminal. She was Catholic, and wanted to buy something very special for this baby I was carrying. She bought a tiny guardian angel pin, and three wooden crucifixes, one for her daughter, one for George, which hangs above our door in our room, and one to be buried with her.



She was certain the baby would be a boy. She was right. She was still strong in her belief that she was going to be able to see her last child have his first child. She was wrong.



In the 1st hour of October 17, 1993 George was finishing his shift at work when he got the call, he knew even before he picked up the phone. It was his dad telling him the 3 words he knew would come yet, nothing could ever prepare him for.





She was gone.

Seasons Of...

Being a girl who lived basically all of her life in South Florida, I was one who really didn't know what a change of season was. Don't get me wrong Florida has its own seasons:

Hot

Hot and Rainy

Hurricane

Warm and Tolerable

...and if by chance you are lucky, you may get a weekend of winter...no more than a light sweater needed until 11am. Seriously...I'm not joking.


Today as I look around, although it is warm, the season of Fall is begining to set in. Just because there isn't a chill in the air doesn't mean that Fall has been delayed. The leaves are beginning to drop, the growth of the grass has begun to slow down, the night air is cooler, and the colors of Autumn are starting to peek through.


It is an amazing thing to see...well to me it is. This will be our 6th Fall Season here and I am still in awe of the beauty of it all. I always say that Summer is my favorite time of year, and it is, even with the 90+ degrees. However there is just something enriching about the other Seasons of the year. Winter to me is just incredible. It is absolutely bizarre to me that the grass, trees, roses, and all the other plants just lay dormant for the Winter. Then, like a brush filled with paint, Spring brings new life to what once, for a short season, looked dead and gone.


In Florida, when a plant becomes brown and crunchy it just dies. Here, it overwhelms me to see the tress that have had no leaves or blossoms all Winter long come alive as if there was no time that passed. Just when you think you have had enough of Winter out comes Spring. It feels like it happens so quickly. One weekend the trees are bare and the ground is brown and then, it happens, the grass is rich and green, the leaves are lush, and the little blossoms are blooming everywhere....it is truly a beautiful sight.



Sometimes I think that our faith is like the seasons of a year. We lay dormant until we are brought to life by the Holy Spirit, and we thrive in the beginning and can slowly sort of just stop growing. We can fall away from our faith just as quickly as the leaves fall from the trees. I would think that the majority of Christian's are like that or have experiencedsomething similar.

Then there comes that time of your life that you need God, and you really become aware of the need for Him in your life. That might just be the most important part of your faith. Not just believing in God for the sake of it being fire protection but, believing simply because you know the Truth, believe the Truth, and desire to live by that Truth.


For so long, I lived by what other people thought. I did what they thought was what I should do. I said what they thought I should say, and I believed outwardly what they thought I should. I was putting people above God. At some point God pulled me so close and tight that I could no longer see past Him to put anyone else in front of Him. He did that to stretch my faith. I learned that even other people in your life can become your god. Well God is jealous, and make no bones about it, He put me in my place literally, and spiritually.


As I was blog hopping over the weekend I saw that 2 women passed from this life into Heaven. It made me very sad and very happy at the same time. So sad for the family left to live life without the one they hold so dear but happy, for the fact that those families and friends will meet again one day soon. Right now those families and friends are going through a very hard season. Life will be so very different for them. They will make it through, even if they are wondering how and thinking they won't...They will though.



This year for me has been a time of so many seasons...Life has been strange, sad, happy, and beautiful, all at the same time. If I could define this year in one word, it would be difficult to do but the word that first popped into my mind was "Awakening."


I have been awakened by so many experiences that it is hard to explain. I have learned a lot.

• Life is short.
• Time is precious.
• Life is precious.
• Time is short.
• Life goes on....that is a hard fact to swallow when you are the one grieving.
• Love doesn't stop for someone even though life has.
• Friendships can be renewed, revived, and re bonded.
• Love knows no limits.
• Time doesn't make the hurt go away...but it helps.
• Growing up is hard to do at my age.
• Friends...they really are better than family.
• Real Friends are always there, even when they can't be physically.
• I never regret anything, especially, when I have learned from it.

Only one thing can soothe a savaged soul...God's comfort...that's it. That's not all I learned, it's just that is it. God is, well everything...

Pray For Your Children...

...pray for mine too!

I found this article and it is 31 biblical virtures to pray for your children. Pray for one each day of the month. What a great idea.


1. Salvation—"Lord, let salvation spring up within my children, that they may obtain the salvation that is in Christ Jesus, with eternal glory." (Isa. 45:8; 2 Tim. 2:10)

2. Growth in Grace—"I pray that my children may grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." (2 Pet. 3:18)

3. Love—"Grant, Lord, that my children may learn to live a life of love, through the Spirit who dwells in them." (Gal. 5:25; Eph. 5:2)

4. Honesty and Integrity—"May integrity and honesty be their virtue and their protection." (Ps. Prayers25:21)

5. Self-Control—"Father, help my children not to be like many others around them, but let them be alert and self-controlled in all they do." (1 Thess. 5:6)

6. Love for God's Word—"May my children grow to find Your Word more precious than much pure gold and sweeter than honey from the comb." (Ps. 19:10)

7. Justice—"God, help my children to love justice as You do and act justly in all they do." (Ps. 11:7; Mic. 6:8)

8. Mercy—"May my children always be merciful, just as their Father is merciful." (Luke 6:36)

9. Respect (for self, others, and authority)—"Father, grant that my children may show proper respect to everyone, as Your Word commands." (1 Pet. 2:17)

10. Biblical Self-Esteem—"Help my children develop a strong self-esteem that is rooted in the realization that they are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus." (Eph. 2:10)

11. Faithfulness—"Let love and faithfulness never leave my children, but bind these twin virtues around their necks and write them on the tablet of their hearts." (Prov. 3:3)

12. Courage—"May my children always be strong and courageous in their character and in their actions." (Deut. 31:6)

13. Purity—"Create in them a pure heart, O God, and let that purity of heart be shown in their actions." (Ps. 51:10)

14. Kindness—"Lord, may my children always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else." (1 Thess. 5:15)

15. Generosity—"Grant that my children may be generous and willing to share, and so lay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the coming age." (1 Tim. 6:18-19)

16. Peace-Loving—"Father, let my children make every effort to do what leads to peace." (Rom. 14:19)

17. Joy—"May my children be filled with the joy given by the Holy Spirit." (1 Thess. 1:6)

18. Perseverance—"Lord, teach my children perseverance in all they do, and help them especially to run with perseverance the race marked out for them." (Heb. 12:1)

19. Humility—"God, please cultivate in my children the ability to show true humility toward all." (Titus 3:2)

20. Compassion—"Lord, please clothe my children with the virtue of compassion." (Col. 3:12)

21. Responsibility—"Grant that my children may learn responsibility, for each one should carry his own load." (Gal. 6:5)

22. Contentment—"Father, teach my children the secret of being content in any and every situation, through Him who gives them strength." (Phil. 4:12-13)

23. Faith—"I pray that faith will find root and grow in my children's hearts, that by faith they may gain what has been promised to them." (Luke 17:5-6; Heb. 11:1-40)

24. A Servant's Heart—"God, please help my children develop servant's hearts, that they may serve wholeheartedly, as if they were serving the Lord, not men." (Eph. 6:7)

25. Hope—"May the God of hope grant that my children may overflow with hope and hopefulness by the power of the Holy Spirit." (Rom. 15:13)

26. Willingness and Ability to Work—"Teach my children, Lord, to value work and to work at it with all their heart, as working for the Lord and not for men." (Col. 3:23)

27. Passion for God—"Lord, please instill in my children a soul that 'followeth hard after thee,' one that clings passionately to You." (Ps. 63:8)

28. Self-Discipline—"Father, I pray that my children may acquire a disciplined and prudent life, doing what is right and just and fair." (Prov. 1:3)

29. Prayerfulness—"Grant, Lord, that my children's lives may be marked by prayerfulness, that they may learn to pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers." (1 Thess. 5:17)

30. Gratitude—"Help my children to live lives that are always overflowing with thankfulness and always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." (Eph. 5:20; Col. 2:7)

31. A Heart for Missions—"Lord, please help my children to develop a desire to see Your glory declared among the nations, Your marvelous deeds among the peoples." (Ps. 96:3)

Cut

We live in a seriously messed up world. I can't be the only one that thinks or believes that.
This morning, before my husband got in his car for work, he remembered that I needed the second car seat for a couple of children that I was watching for our friends. He noticed that there was fluid coming out of the truck. He thought maybe a raccoon tried to gnaw through the brake line.

Then he noticed when he pumped the brakes, they went straight to the floor. We took it to our mechanic who thankfully only lives a mile away. So with no brakes he drove really carefully around the turns and bends in our area and got safely to Danny's. Once there, we found out that not only was the brake line severed, but our transmission and our radiator lines were also severed.

I am very thankful that George saw this before I put my friend's children in the truck and tried to drive with them. That would have been horrible if something happened.

Still feeling a bit stressed and irritated.

The Pirates of Penzance

This had to be one of my all time best nights ever!!!!

In the movie Pretty Woman Richard Gere takes Julia Roberts to an opera and when asked if she liked it she stated " it was so good I almost peed my pants!" and the Richard Gere leaned over and stated that she said "that she "she liked it better than the Prates of Penzance."

Waiting for the girl's getaway

Big deal it's a green living room

Jeanne and Vicki hugging

I told her "girl you gotta see it, it has a kitchen!"

Worlds away
Continents a part
Weeks of secrets
Countless calls
Terrible guilt
Webs of deceit
Lie after Lie
20 ulcers

In one moment it all melted away.

IT WAS SOOOOO WORTH IT!!!!!

The look on Vicki's face was the greatest thing ever.



It was so good she did pee her pants.....Priceless!!!!

Tiff, Jeanne, and Vicki entering the Cheesecake Factory

Here they are 40 years later

To Buy Or Not To Buy

It is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. In some stores you can't go in them with out feeling like a bottle of Pepto Bismal exploded.

Don't get me wrong! I think Pink, I live pink...I am so sick of pink. But, I will also be the first to tell you that for 14 years I have always bought the pink ribbon products. As a matter of fact, I still have the first pink ribbon I bought after George's mom died, it is ivory now but that is besides the point.

Right after my friend Vicki found out she had cancer I went on a BC spree. I bought shirts, socks, ribbons, magnets, do-rags, kitchen ware, and bracelets. My closet looks like a bottle of Pepto Bismal. Anyway, one day I ran into my friends Marlo and Steve at Wal-mart and I was looking at the BC candle and told them I was going to buy it. He looked at me and said, why don't you just take the money you are gonna spend on that candle and donate it right to the research foundation. I thought about it and put the candle back and went on line and donated. If you are loving the pink, get all over it and buy it.

Here's the thing if you need the item and there is the choice of getting the window cleaner that supports BC and the one that doesn't, get the pretty pink ribbon. If your buying just cause it supports the BC research think about donating straight to the cause.

Tomorrow is the Breast Cancer race in Nashville. Donate!

Chances are if you are reading my blog you know Vicki and the battle she won and is fighting. How about supporting her in this race by giving to her team Feet of Faith? No amount is too small, and have no fear no amount is to big either!!!

Mawwage

Have you ever seen The Princess Bride? I love that line "Mawwage, Mawwage is what bwings us togever today." If you haven't seen the movie it is a must see. Funny funny funny movie!

But anyway, wanna know what isn't funny. Well it sort of is after you sit and think about it for a while. More bizarre than funny. Well here's the thing that happened that made me title the post what it is.

My Aunt and I have been emailing back and forth for a few days and she told me that my dad and his girlfriend (the women he got engaged to 6 months after my mom died) went to church with them a couple of week's ago....I was in a rush when I read the email so I quickly thought oh that is good, my faith runs deep so I thought God is getting a hold of him and pulling him back to his own faith. Off I went to run some errands, came back home and had time to think. Thinking isn't always your greatest friend when you are sitting alone. So I reread the email, and sat and thought hmmm. I thought to myself..."self (cause that's what I call myself when I am alone) you dad hasn't been in a church since your little sister got married in 1995, and your aunt doesn't go to church either." Until recently, that is.

So I got a bit suspicious and decided to run a bit of a search. The state of Florida has so much crap on on line and it is so easy to let your fingers do the walking. So they walked for a few minutes and turned up a marriage certificate...big deal you say...oh yeah big deal, here's why. It was dear old dad's, it just got a tad bizarre right?

* Mom died in November
* Dad began dating
* Got engaged after a few weeks of dating a lady
* We found out by way of bar folks...classy huh!

Oh hold on, Jerry Springer's calling, he'd like to book me for a show.

Sorry, where was I....

* They decided shack up for a few months
* Shot gun wedding! no she isn't pregnant....
* His children and grandchildren weren't told, or invited
* I have spoken with her a total of 30 seconds in the time she has dated him
* I have never met her...nice, right
* I wouldn't know her if she was sitting in my lap (not that I'm that kind of girl) :)
* and did I mention I found out on the Internet...oh yes I did.
....a step family how nice.........

People....if you have ever thought your life was whacked out, step back and take a look at the big picture. If it looks anything like this post then yes, your life is whacked out...if not step back into your life cause that is what normal feels like.

See it is sort of funny when you go back and re read it. I loved my friend Jeanne's response to my big news. She said "nah uh" uh uh", Diana ...you know this is bad don't you?"
Ya think........Just a little bit.

If you aren't laughing by this point, you should be. Vicki, my friend, told me laughter is so good they have a class now that all you do is stretch and laugh....can you imagine that? Sign me up

The Fight Goes On

As October has inched closer and closer, I knew that it would be a bit harder to face Breast Cancer Awareness Month this go around.

WOW! I didn't know it was going to be this tough.

Every year for as long as I can remember email existing, I have sent out the email that reminds us that "your boobies are your buddies!" Last year my childhood friend Wendy from North Carolina called and barked about me not sending the email out in a timely manner. I didn't make that mistake this year.

This year I will voice that love and concern right here as well.

So without further ado.....

Ladies and Gentlemen....

Boobies are our buddies, be a good buddy and stay in touch with them.

Please do your monthly breast exam. Girls call your friends, Guys, remind your wives. Moms, remind your daughters, and daughters, remind your mom...even if she doesn't listen, say it over and over and over again.

Men can get breast cancer too.

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month…please be aware every month.
We would love to see the cure for BC in our lifetime. It would be great not to worry about our own beautiful daughter’s and niece’s facing this one day.

If you don’t know it already, we have a bit of a vested interest in Breast Cancer Awareness. George and his sister Rene lost their mom in October of 1993 and, in November JoAnn, Angie, and I lost our own mom.

Just in the time that I have sent out the email last night I have gotten 2 replies from friends telling me how Breast Cancer is intruding in on their lives. My friend Wendy in NC is waiting to hear from her mom to find out about biopsy results, and my neighbor Kelly is returning next week because they want to take a "closer look" and get some more pictures of something suspicious that they found on her mammogram.

Breast Cancer isn't prejudiced, it can and does offend anyone.

There are times in your life that you will find yourself facing a challenge or fight and you know you can handle it. Then, there are those times in your existence you can't put on the gloves and fight it....you can't fight it because it isn't your fight, it's your husband's mom's fight, it's a sweet friend's battle to beat, or it is your own mother's turn to slide those gloves on and fight for what matters most...Life.

The best you can do is cheer from the sidelines. Encourage them, Hope with them, Be there for them, and most importantly PRAY for them.

Join the Fight!

If you want to donate to an incredible team that is walking on October 4 in Nashville, please consider walking or donating to Vicki Espey and her team called Feet of Faith. This is the third year that Vicki has walked in the Susan G Komen's Race for the Cure. Vicki also walked in the Dallas 3 day walk in October 2006

Vicki is a survivor fighting one more time. They walk so that one day their daughter's won't have to...so that my daughter's won't have to...so the men and women you love won't have to.

Isaiah 40:31

But those who wait on the LORD

Shall renew their strength;

They shall mount up with wings like eagles,

They shall run and not be weary,

They shall walk and not faint.

Fiesta Tea Party

Isaiah 12:4 says
"And in that day you will say, "Give thanks to the LORD, call on His name. Make known His deeds among the peoples; Make them remember that His name is exalted."
That is the verse for the young ladies in our churches group of Girls In Action.
On Saturday afternoon the leaders and young girls decorated the fellowship hall and prepared a feast of Mexican fare for us.

Our Speaker for the event was my friend Jeanne. She has been on several mission trips and, as a matter of fact, in a couple of weeks will be leaving on another mission trip to South Asia to see one of her best friend's Tiffany.

Jeanne, her husband, and their two sons will be going to Africa. They are going to spread the name of Jesus to people who haven't heard His name. They will also be able to talk to the people in the village who have heard about Jesus and believe that he is a prophet. What an opportunity!!! To really be able to tell them the Truth. Amazing. Talk about a career change :)

Jeanne was so gracious. Her very first sentence to these young girls and the other women at the tea wwas...and she was tearing up as she said it "I believe that God has a purpose and plan for each on of us."

She shared the journey of how Rick began to feel the pull of missions in his life and how eventually Jeanne, herself, was given a heart for the people of West Africa. The girls had so many question's and Jeanne answered all of them.

I am in awe with all that is happening in Jeanne's life and it will be so exciting to see her journey as the people of Africa get to meet her and her guys. What a sweet impact she has had on me, I am a bit jealous that the Maninka people in her village will get to have her for a while too.

Please pray for Jeanne and her family as they are going through the process of getting everything in order to move their lives from here in hometown, America, all the way over to a new home in West Africa.

Hey, while you are praying, could you pray for her best friend Tiffany, and her family in South Asia. Jeanne and Tiffany, You girls are great and we love you dearly and are so honored to be your friends........

Falcon's Run and Dance

Megan is a Falcon Lady on the Dance Squad for her School

Matt is on the Falcon's Cross Country Team

Megan practices every day until 5 or 5:30pm. She comes home does homework and chores and performs at the home games for the football and basketball teams.

Matt does an amazing job. Practicing every day with his team. He has already been talking about doing this again next year.

Meg loves being a part of the dance squad and it is nice to see how much fun she is having out there doing what she does.

Matthew is doing great in Cross Country and is quite the good samaritan. If some one falls or hurts themselves during a race, he will stop and help them up regardless of whether or not it makes his time later during a race.

I love Matthew's team motto:

Our Sport is your Teams Punishment

Warrior In Pink

I was talking to my friend Vicki the other day and we were talking about the color pink and the pink ribbonand the Breast Cancer walk yadda, yadda, yadda.

I told her that I am kind of sick of the color pink. My closet is full of BC Awareness shirts, pink shirts, pink socks etc... I told her that finally after 3 years my pink ribbon magnet rotted and fell off my truck and I was almost feeling bad that I hadn't replaced it yet. UHG!!!!

I still wear the rubber pink band for awareness. It isn't the one I wore from the time my mom found out she had BC, I retired that one a couple of months after she passed on and have replaced it with the one I got when I found out Vicki had BC in 2005. I obviously keep stuff forever.

Anyway, although I still can't get over the loss of my mom or the fact that my sister may be facing this same giant, I don't want people to see me and automatically think oh! that's Diana, her mom died of BC. It is apart of me, but not what is defining me.

Just like Vicki, she is a survivor, the strongest advocate for BC I know, and she is a fighter. Those are things that are apart of her however, Breast Cancer isn't who she is. She is a Christian, following and glorifying God in ALL that she does. That's who she is, that is what defines her.

That's what I want to be defined as. I don't and haven't always said the right things or done things that glorified God...I am a work in progress. I am learning to let God change those things. It isn't easy...it is honest. I had a reply in my email the other day and the final thought was "forget what lies behind & press forward..." So, serve Jesus & bring Him glory". I will try...

I won't be walking the walk this year. Not because it isn't important just because it happens to fall on a day that we had plans that had already been made. However, this is an extremely important cause that is very close to who I am and what will always be apart of me...us really

Us includes myself, my husband (he lost his mom in 1993 to BC) our children, they have lost both their grandma's to this. My friend Kathy died 2 months after my own mom, and the list goes on....

So I am urging you to support Vicki Espey in her journey this year. If you can, walk with her in October, if you can't follow this link for the Race for the Cure Breast Cancer Walk and donate to VICKI's Team . You can donate in support, donate in honor, or donate in memory of someone you know, love, cared about, or even lost to this battle. She..they all are, walking so our sister's daughter's, aunt's, friend's, and husband's won't have to. Vicki, Have I mentioned that you are my Hero.

No doubt as October heads our way my posts will be geared towards Breast Cancer Awareness and Research. Please help be a part of the CURE.

One More Time

I never thought I was a big fan of James Taylor. I was really to young to know his music and what he sang...or so I thought. I had no idea how many songs this man wrote and sang that I knew and loved.

On September 5th, the one hour time block of the 3 major television networks had a special fundraiser called Stand up for Cancer. I was watching it and I think I cried the whole time.

When James Taylor and Sheryl Crow began to sing Fire and Rain I couldn't stop crying. The words that really entangled me were ...but I always thought that I'd see you again...thought I'd see you one more time again.

Back to that thought in a moment....

The last song sang was Melissa Ethridge's adaptation of I run for hope. Originally written for her battle cry during her fight with Breast Cancer. I cried because not long after my mom was diagnosed, Melissa appeared on the Oprah show and sang that song and my mom cried. Megan went back to her and said Grandma, I love you and it is all going to be OK....sweet thoughts

Anyway as I was crying non-stop at the end of this one hour segment, Georgie came over and gave me a hug, a real hug, not the half hug teen age boys tend to hand out. It was a real hug from a young boy, not quite the man he thinks he is , and not the little boy I wish he was at times. He was trying to understand what I was feeling at that moment. He softly hugged me and said mommy, it's gonna be OK.

Will it ever be OK? I don't know. Some days I think yes and other days there is no way I can fathom hanging in there for more crying, more tears, more blowing my nose, and the never ending exhaustion you feel that some one you love has died and left an empty space where her special love fit just perfectly.

Anyway, back to the song and the thoughts it reminded me of and the emotions it evoked.
The words that summoned my attention were, I always thought that I'd see you again.
It brought me back to October 2007. After rushing back and being in Florida for so many days, My mom was clearly unable to vocalize that she knew who I was and that had been just emotionally overwhelming for me. she would search my face trying find the recognition of who I was.
One night I stayed in the hospital over night with her, and she kept telling me she had to go to the death room and I kept correcting her and told her no mom, you mean you need to go to the bathroom. I really became upset and frustrated. Why was she telling me this,she was confused and that had to be the only explanation. She wasn't on anything excpet Tylenol, so why was she saying these things. What the heck is a death room? Some how deep down I think she knew what she was talking about and that I was denying the fact and hoping against what God's will was going to be.

Finally the day I had to leave came and she looked at me and spoke my name, and said of course I know who you are, you are my daughter. The only thing she couldn't get out was that we lived in TN. But I was elated that she could voice who I was and who everyone else was. It was joyous. I was so excited that she not only knew all of us but she was acting like herself.

When it was time for me to leave to go to the airport she was laying down and I rubbed her head and hair and told her I had to leave, she clenched her lips as if she was going to cry, and tears welled up in her eyes. I told her please don't cry, get some rest, I will be back, and I would see her really soon. I walked out of that room thinking I would see her again..... I never did.
My every intention was to come home, be there for Georgie's football award banquet and drive back to Florida once they released my mom from the hospital. I wanted my kids to see grandma one more time as well.

As it turns out the lasting memories they have of her are incredible ones from July 2007. Megan and Matt sat and learned to crochet a little bit, Megan, Matt and Georgie made big breakfasts with her, and Georgie also continued doing crossword puzzles with her. He got to stay up until 3Am and go swimming in the pool with grandma. I'm sure he had great talks with her like I got to have. Sweet Juliana will still talk about how grandma taught her to walk on the bottom of the pool and started to help her learn to swim. For some reason Juliana began to love little rubber duckies while playing with a couple down in Florida and now she has several and she names them the funniest things sometimes. Just the other day she told me that her and grandma went to Cinderella's castle but she wasn't home so they couldn't go in....It sort of threw me to hear her say that since she has never been to Disney World, she then asked me "mommy don't you remember you were there too?" Sweet Dreams

I never did make it back to Florida to see her one more time again. Maybe that was God being generous to me. It was hard enough leaving in October thinking of seeing her again soon. I can't imagine how a visit would go knowing that it would be the final visit, the last time I would ever have been able to see her again.

I guess the more I think about it the more I see God's mercy and grace in the situation. It would seem like such a short time being there, and what a very long drive it would have been on the way back to TN. Maybe seeing her one more time wouldn't have been enough or maybe it would have been too much. Regardless, it doesn't stop you from thinking about what one more time would be like.

Teaching on Trust

Some days I really wonder why God puts me in certain places.

Today I began teaching the teen girls at church. The lesson itself was on Jesus feeding the 5,000 which really was way more than 5K but that's beside the point. The deeper lesson is Do we really trust Jesus to meet ALL of our needs? I know I don't always, so how can I expect these sweet young ladies to do what I can't do it 100% of the time?

One of our sweet girls has been carrying around so much pain as a result of her parents divorce, which she believes is partially her fault. She also carries anger because her grandma died.

Oh my goodness, God was putting this young girl in my path. Was I going to say the right thing, was God going to use me? As she told me that she thought her grandma died because of her, I leaned over and hugged her.

I knew that feeling. I told her she didn't cause her grandma to die any more than I caused my mom to die. Did I believe it on my part? There are days that I can't remember if I ever asked God to heal my mom. I know I asked Him to save her, I know I asked Him to comfort her and give her peace, I know I asked Him to not let it be cancer as she was going through the process of being diagnosed...but did I ever ask for God to heal her of cancer? I can't say positively that I did.

It has been so long, I don't remember, isn't that terrible. I know my friend's prayed for healing for her and for peace for me. I had people who honored me by praying and I am sure some thought I didn't deserve prayer at all...maybe I didn't but, my mom did, she needed all the prayer she could get. Not because she was dying of cancer, because she was dying without a savior. Maybe, just maybe God wanted to hear me pray and beg for healing on my mother's behalf. What if, I said those words with conviction to the God who loved me, comforted me, and cherished me? Would it have changed the outcome? I don't think so.

After almost a year I still don't feel as though I have made progress towards letting go and saying goodbye. Why is that? Why is it that I can have good days that are just wonderful and then have days that you just don't want to get out of bed. Not for lack of energy, just because you just don't feel like standing up and faking a good day. When someone asks "so how are you" you lie and say fine...Deep down your closest friend's know. They know that fine means I suck!, the day is crappy, and missing my mom is just part of the whole day that makes the hurt linger.

My mom didn't die because I didn't pray enough, or because I didn't pray the right prayer. She didn't die because I didn't deserve to have a mom anymore. She died, simply because it was God's will.

It is the same for the sweet girl in the group, nothing she said or did caused her granny to die. No amount of praying could change God's will. What changes is us...He changes us. If, we let Him in to do that. Maybe that's what I should have said to her. I told her that she had to let go and let God take it. Isn't it easier said than done?

I told her I always give it to God, and 10 minutes later take it right back.....

Maybe I was put there to teach however, I can also see that God placed me there learn....I am still a work in progress, still learning to Trust in HIM.

The Great Debate

Pro Choice...Pro Life

Does life begin outside the womb, Does life begin when the egg and sperm meet?

If you read those words, thank the person who gave you life. At that moment in their life they were on the side of Pro-life.

So when does human life begin?
With the first breath? At conception?
Politically speaking, this is one hot topic.
Spiritually speaking, it is a no brainier...or is it?

15 years ago I would have said that life began at the moment of conception. Since then I have had 4 children and while one was planned by my husband and I, 2 were unexpected, and our 4th made us realize that she was planned, just not by us. So even if your little blessing wasn't planned or expected, she or he was planned by God.

I have come to see that life begins long before conception.

Think about planning for that baby you want to have so badly! Did you not pray for that life? Whether that baby was conceived by you or adopted by you, chances are you prayed for that child long before that child was even thrust into your life through birth or a long awaited adoption.

I have read so many adoption blogs. People domestically and internationally adopting children. Some wait and pray for years before that child is placed in their arms. They are clearly praying for a child that has a great chance or possibly that has yet to be conceived. They simply have children already born in their hearts. They are as real as they baby that was conceived this morning.

A sweet beautiful couple that we have know for a year and a half, who have been praying for a child for so many years will finally know the joy of parenthood. I can honestly say that everyone, who has been praying and holding these two people up in prayer, is no doubt just as excited to hear the words "yes! we are pregnant!" as they were to see that test turn positive.

Yes! "New" Baby, we will continue to pray for you.

So this morning as I sit and write this I am more firm in my belief that life begins long before conception.

Now I'm not radical in my thinking because I also believe in choices...

By all means, you have a right to your choices. I just believe that choice can be made before conception.

Septemeber 7

It is hard to believe that 17 years has passed by. I think it is harder to believe that in this picture you can actually see what is the closest thing to my natural hair color. Yes my natural hair color is blondish.
Just like everyone else, we have had our up and our downs. But we have made it. Against all the odds that were stacked against us....and there were many.

So after 17 years of some marital bliss and some marital hiss, I think overall we have done pretty darn good. Now, if I could only keep that damn pantry to stay intact life would be grand.

Big Red

That was always the nickname my sister Jo Ann had when we were growing up. She had fiery red hair and to this day has the personality to match that hair. Jo Ann and I haven't always seen eye to eye. Well to be really honest we rarely see life through a common lens.

I can say that she has always taken the "big sister" role to heart. When I was in middle school and got sent to the principals office for talking he took out his paddle, and I said I don't think so. I walked out of his office and ran to the high school which happened to be on the same campus and got my sister. Jo Ann marched me right back to the principals office and promptly told him off and took me back to class. I never did have another issue with him or his paddle which she politely told him to shove up...well it doesn't matter where she told him to put it, it mattered that I could go to her for help.

For 6 years I have somewhat missed the closeness that being miles away takes from me and for my children and their cousin's.
She is the fun Aunt. Our kid's get to do whatever they want when they are with Aunt Jo. Nothing is ever simple with her. Our kids still joke with me about Aunt Jo Ann making them sloppy Jo-Ann's instead of sloppy Joe's...Georgie asked 'if Aunt Jo Ann makes sloppy Jo Ann's does that make mine sloppy mommy's?".......ahh NO

I can be honest and say there have been times over the last few years that I have missed my sisters. When we get together we can't be in the same vicinity for more than 2 days before a can of whoopass gets busted open...that's just the way it is. That changed when my mom died.

In February I flew home and Jo Ann and I ....well it was good. Good enough to keep private.

Again Jo Ann is stepping into that big sister role. Telling me not to worry about this lump. It is what it is! yet, I still worry.
Why can't they move faster?
Why can't they get you in sooner?
3 weeks is a long time to wait for a mammogram!
Ridiculous......

Time seems to crawl when you live in Florida. My mom once told me she felt like a number. Every time she had to get a test done it would take a week to 10 days to schedule it and another week to get the results.

Apparently I'm impatient. I don't want my sister to be just another number on a never ending waiting list.
It may have taken a very long time for me to realize thatI do have awesome sisters. But, the important thing is that I know it.

Stand Up To Cancer

How many people can you name that have been touched by cancer? Someone you know casually, relatively, intimately? Are you affected by it? I thought so. Sometimes sharing your story helps. It can be painful to let other people know just how impacted your life has become by being just one person who has dealt with cancer.

Here is a small part of my story.

Up until the late 80's cancer wasn't even a blip on my radar. I was 16 when the word cancer entered my life. My boyfriend's mom was a breast cancer survivor. In 1992 her cancer returned and claimed her life in October of 1993.

Through my husbands ongoing desire to build the family tree we found out that his grandmother and all three of her daughters have had or died of complications from cervical cancer.

In late 2002 my grandfather was diagnosed with prostrate cancer. He lost his battle in Sept of 2005.

Just 2 short months later my precious beautiful friend Vicki was diagnosed with breast cancer, which she beat!

In April 2006 that same beautiful friend called me to excitedly tell me she just finished her last treatment of chemotherapy. She quietly listened as I told her that my mom just told me that she had breast cancer too. The words she spoke to me were true and profound. She told me that maybe the reason God had me walk the journey of breast cancer with her was to prepare me to walk that journey with my own mother. Truer words have probably never come my way.

Through the course of the next year I found out that another friend had breast cancer and was beating it. My neighbor Patty was also diagnosed. Ann, a former co worker of George's from Florida, had beat breast cancer, and Kathy, a very close family friend, also had breast cancer.

In November 2007 my died and 2 months later, less than 6 months after being diagnosed my friend Kathy died.

My sweet precious friend Vicki was re diagnosed a few months ago...She is a hero to me.

My oldest sister found a lump and will be getting a mammogram soon. Uncertainty, fear, haunting anguish, and despair.....and there is yet to be a diagnosis. It's just another beginning.

We need to stand up for the end of cancer.

Preacher, Pastor said what????

In a time where so many churches are copy cat, and cookie cutter images of churches they have seen or been to. I was delighted to come across a preacher's blog that plainly states it like it should be. Don't teach and preach from the next best book...Preach it from the Bible.
Church leaders go to these seminars or conferences to learn however, if you think about it, they are just helping the that church's preacher get rich.
So as you sit down for your next sermon series remember the following excerpt from this preacher. Will you be opening your Bible, or are you opening something written by Max Lucado, Rick Warren, Bill Hybels etc....
Stick to the Bible it's a sure thing. Follow Him, not man.

PS to RB (pastor I quoted)thanks for unpacking that thought and laying it out there to be a flashlight in this world.

Why would you consult a waiter about real estate? Isn’t that kind of
like asking the lifeguard to do your taxes or the lawn man to help you with your
investments? Why would you put so much stock in the words of someone who lacks the knowledge and understanding it takes to make these decisions?
“So where does Wisdom come from? And where does Insight live? It can’t be found by looking, no matter how deep you dig, no matter how high you fly. If you search
through the graveyard and question the dead, they say, ‘We’ve only heard rumors
of it.’ God alone knows the way to Wisdom, he knows the exact place to find
it.He knows where everything is on earth, he sees everything under heaven.” Job
28:20-24 The Message
Guilty. All of us are. We’ve become so inclined to
consult the latest best-seller (even Christian books) or to adhere to the words
of some talk show host with nothing but a degree from man. God’s word says
wisdom can’t just be found. It has to be sought with all your heart AND it must
be sought at the only source for true wisdom—God.
Many of us walk around in confused fogs about the next steps in our life—which job, what relationship, where to live, what to do—because we’re relying on man’s wisdom. Even the smartest of men and women cannot compare to God’s perspectives on life. Why not go to the source of all things to discover the meaning of all things? It’s a guaranteed way to live a life of intentionality and direction. Don’t ring your hands over your next job, next date, next house or last client. When it comes to wisdom, don’t consult the waiter…seek the Creator.

FIREPROOF

The Kendrick brothers have done it again. If you don't think you know who they are, maybe you know a couple of the films they have created. Facing the Giants and FlyWheel were created, directed, and produced by Alex and Stephen Kendrick.

FIREPROOF is being released on September 26, 2008.

Ramsey

Meet Ramsey. The sweet little Ram from my friend Jeanne's garage sale. She is going to Africa and I needed something else to take up space in my life :) I just thought that Ramsey would be the cutest little addition to my truck which just happens to be a Ram.

Not long after we lodged him in the corner of the front drivers window I began thinking. Yes...Yes...I know, me and thinking, isn't always the most peaceful combination. Well anyway, Ramsey was just once a sweet little child's stuffed toy. Today, Ramsey reminds me of God. More specifically the reassurance that God will provide.

If I can trust...God will provide.

As I was driving, one morning several weeks ago, I looked over at my little ram and began to think about the story about Abraham and Isaac. Through out the journey Isaac asked about the sacrifice because clearly to Isaac they didn't carry anything with them to be used as a sacrifice. Abraham would answer "the Lord will provide it."

I don't know how willing of a participant I would be if my mom wanted to go on a long walk with a donkey carrying some rope and firewood without anything to offer up. I'd be the chick hauling herself down that mountain mighty fast, especially if my mom said "Hey Diana, how about you hop up here on this big rock and while you are here lay still while I tie you up for a bit..... I think not. :)

God did provide! At the moment when Abraham would have sacrificed his child, the Angel of God stopped him. Instead of Isaac, God provided the ram to be sacrificed. The story itself is much more than the ending. But for the presence of the ram, my little gem is that God will provide.

God really has provided me with more than I ever deserve.

He has provided me with:

• An incredibly godly man who I am lucky enough to call husband (well I don't go around calling him husband, he prefers George or honey)
• 4 beautiful and healthy children, who I am thankful to be driven crazy by
• 2 sisters who are miles away but still very close
• I have the most wonderful friends. They are some of the greatest unpaid therapists out there! I don't think life would be nearly as great without them.
• Church family, there are no words to describe them
• So many things that money won't buy
• everything

~ Not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our thanksgiving. ~ W.T. Purkiser

The Last To Go........

Yesterday Juliana got a taste of school and she did well. As we walked to class we met her principal and she wouldn't get closer than 10 feet away from him. He is a really nice man, and said most children are apprehensive. That wasn't it. I knew when she scowled and softly growled that she didn't want to meet a "new" principal. She thinks the pastor is her principle. Yesterday we had a long talk about this socially unacceptable attitude. Thankful she understands. Although I am not so confident that she won't scowl again. I am just hoping she gets through this phase.

Today Juliana started her first full day of school. We decided since she just turned 5 that she should try the readiness class instead of regular kindergarten. She has never been in school or pre-school. The only class setting she has been in has been from church. She is in a smaller class with kids who also have a summer or a late birthday.

I took lots of pictures yesterday and a bunch more today. George walked her to her bus stop and it was so sweet. She happily got on the bus,. Just as she was on the second step she turned around as if to get approval from George. At this point I could feel the emotions about to surface. As the bus turned around she waved to us and it was all I could do to hold it in. She was so happy and BAM! I cried, I cried so much I couldn't see through my tears. George tried to make me feel better and Georgie said Ahhh mommy, I simply said shush, I cried for you too.

She has been so excited to be going to school. I am happy it hasn't been an ordeal but, I do miss her hopping down the steps asking for a snack or drink. I miss her asking what's for lunch, and then arguing if it wasn't what she was wanting me to say. I even miss her running by telling me "I have to go to the potty cause I need to poo...."

This is weird. When Georgie went off to school I still had the twins at home, I did cry his first day, but soon got through it because I had Meg and Matt who kept me going in two different directions. When the twins went to school, Megan was the little butterfly, not eager but, happy to be there. Matthew on the other hand, screamed at the gate, "please mommy, I don't want to stay, don't leave me here" or "Daddy, help me!" It was pitiful. That lasted 2 weeks. I studied all day because I was going to school and became a Medical Asst. I still cried because it was hard to leave Matt there begging me to take him home,and then Megan who wasn't missing me at all.

When they went to school here, I volunteered often, it didn't last long. I found out I was pregnant within a few months....That won't happen this time. Juliana is the 4th and final, there will be no additions. :)
This year is already starting off crazy. Megan is on the Dance Squad, Matthew is doing Cross Country, and George is in ROTC and although he decided to take off from football, he wants to do bowling or maybe something else that interests him.

George has been encouraging me to take classes in something that excites me, something I have always wanted to do.

There is a song by Trace Adkins called "Your gonna miss this".....Oh and I already do. yes people I am aware that it has only been a few hours so far....

I will post some photos later, thanks for reading.

Walking Around Blind

1st let me say I love my sisters but man sometimes being polar opposites is frustrating. While my baby sister was living here in TN a few years ago she took her kids to church every week. I was hoping it was for more than just something to do. I wish I were wrong. I think that since they lived in the Bible belt she took them because it was the thing to do here.

We didn't grow up in church per say. We went because it was a place to send us. My parents didn't go. Even when I got baptized in 1982 no one came except my mom. You know it was poker night and everyone else had something better to do. As a kid my mom never tried to choke my beliefs however as an adult she was more than willing to share her view point.
I think that one of the hardest things about my relationship with my sisters is that they don't believe in God. My mom proclaimed she didn't believe in God either. My dad grew up in church. As an adult, other than going to a wedding I don't ever recall any of them being in church. The exception is the couple of years my youngest sister lived here and a couple of years that my oldest sister went to please her ex-husband.

Last week my oldest sister asked me to pray for her and I said I would and she added that she was praying too. I thought wow! maybe God is working on her. When I talked to her to follow up on what she asked me to pray about she thanked me for praying. I asked her if God gave her peace about what it was and she said "I don't believe in God" HUH???? I know who I was praying to, who in the world was she praying to?

So crunching over egg shells, I decided to be bold and ask her about praying and who she was asking to answer the prayers she was saying. You know, some days I should just shut the trapper and think to myself. She proceeded to tell me that she just says a prayer. To whom I asked....she said, nobody, I just say a prayer...and that makes you feel better (I said on the inside) You have got to be joking right? (that I said out loud) she went on to tell me that people who believe in God are weak minded people who have nothing better to believe in because they don't have enough strength to believe in themselves. WHAT!!!!

So who do you give credit to when that prayer is answered? The man in the moon?
God, Help me understand that please.

With that mentality no wonder people believe our ancestors were monkey's. Some day's I just want to speak gorilla to see if they understand it.

Sometimes you just have to ask why other people don't see, not just see what you see or the way you see it but, why don't they see period!